Joke on toxicologists

This is a joke that I wrote some years ago. It is to illustrate what idiots
toxicologists can be when they base consumer safety advice just on
the fact that a particular chemical occurs in a product. These so called 'scientists'
often do not have a clue that the "chemicals" they are maligning form a common
part of our diet and are in reality vital for our survival.

Click here for another one.

CONSUMER ALERT

Title: Inhalation of toxic gases.

Target of alert: This alert is for pregnant mothers.

An EU directive is being formulated to advise pregnant woman:
1) Not to change the underwear of existing children.
2) Not to be in the same room when babies are discharging body wastes.
3) Not to allow their partners and visitors from discharging body gases commonly referred to in the English language as "farts".

After investigating world wide scientific literature, the Commissions scientific advisers have advised that there could be a risk of fetal toxicity following a mothers inhalation of the chemicals occurring in gastro intestinal tract gases. The reasons for this concern are:-

1. Feces and their gases contain significant amounts of:
Hydrogen Sulfide. Carbon dioxide. Methane. Ammonia.

The toxicological effects of these chemicals are documented as follows:

Hydrogen Sulfide:
Hydrogen Sulfide is a highly toxic gas that is heavier than air. It can cause dizziness, unconsciousness and death. At low concentrations it may smell like rotten eggs, but at higher concentrations it deadens the sense of smell so that no odor can be detected.

In humans, hydrogen-sulfide gas is highly toxic and can be rapidly fatal. It is both an irritant and asphyxiant. Locally, it irritates the mucous membranes of the eyes and respiratory tract. Systemically, it affects the central nervous system and may cause paralysis of the respiratory center which usually results in death. There is very little experimental or human health data on long term exposures to low concentrations of hydrogen-sulfide. Beauchamp RO, Et al. CRC Critical Reviews in Toxicology, Vol. 13, No. 1, pages 25-97, 1984

All reported human cases of acute sulfide poisoning have arisen from inhalation of the gas, hydrogen-sulfide may have the greatest toxicological significance as potent inhibitors of cytochrome-oxidase. Smith RP, Gosselin RE Journal of Occupational Medicine, Vol. 21, No. 2, pages 93-97.

These authors conclude that inhalation of 5 parts per million of hydrogen-sulfide, might inhibit aerobic metabolism during exercise in males. Bhambhani Y et al. American Industrial Hygiene Association Journal, Vol. 57, No. 5, pages 464-468,1996.

Carbon dioxide:
Carbon dioxide is an odorless, tasteless gas that is heavier than air. It displaces the oxygen supply in the bloodstream, which can cause unconsciousness and death.

Methane:
Methane is also a gas that is lighter than air. The primary hazard of methane gas is that it can create an explosive atmosphere. This gas also displaces oxygen.

Ammonia:
Ammonia is a gas that is lighter than air. It has a pungent smell and can irritate the eyes and respiratory tract. Ammonia also displaces oxygen in the bloodstream.

EXPLANATIONS:

Hydrogen, carbon dioxide and methane are made by the breaking down of undigested food in the large intestine. These gases in the digestive system have to escape somehow, so they come out as "farts".

Everyone has gas and eliminates it by burping or passing it through the rectum. Most people produce about 1 to 3 pints a day and pass gas about 14 times a day. In about one-third of all people, methane gas is produced.

FOODS THAT CAN CAUSE GAS:

Carbohydrates: Most foods that contain carboyhdrates can also cause gas.

Sugars: The sugars that cause gas are raffinose, lactose, fructose, and sorbitol.

Raffinose: Beans contain large amounts of this complex sugar. Smaller amounts are found in cabbage, brussels sprouts, broccoli, asparagus, other vegetables, and whole grains.

Lactose: This is the natural sugar in milk. It is also found in milk products, such as cheese and ice cream, and processed foods, such as bread, cereal, and salad dressing. Many people have low levels of the enzyme lactase needed to digest lactose after childhood. Also, as people age, their enzyme levels decrease. As a result, over time people may experience increasing amounts of gas after eating food containing lactose. See summary.

Fructose: Is naturally present in onions, artichokes, pears, and wheat. It is also used as a sweetener in some soft drinks and fruit drinks.

Sorbitol: Is a sugar found naturally in fruits, including apples, pears, peaches, and prunes. It is also used as an artificial sweetener in many dietetic foods and sugarfree candies and gums.

Starches: Most starches, including potatoes, corn, noodles, and wheat, produce gas as they are broken down in the large intestine. Rice is the only starch that does not cause gas.

Fibre (US Fiber): Many foods contain soluble and insoluble fiber. Soluble fiber dissolves easily in water and takes on a soft, gel-like texture in the intestines. Found in oat bran, beans, peas, and most fruits, soluble fiber is not broken down until it reaches the large intestine, where digestion causes gas.

Summary:

From the above, it can be seen that the Commissions advisers have a real concern over these matters and are formulating urgent legislation to stop the European population from eating. In the meantime, we advise pregnant mothers to live apart from any young children, their partners and any other close friends or relatives. The best advice we can give is they hire a cabin by the seas for nine months and don't have contact with anyone.

* Feeding a baby with any form of milk is clearly contraindicated to avoid it producing gases that may affect its unborn sibling.

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